No, really, that’s what it’s called.

When I first heard the title, I thought it was a joke. Amazing to think that is the absolute best the CBC (or whoever wrote and produced it) can come up with.

Even if I was assembling a list of bad or sardonic titles, “Keep Your Head Up, Kid” wouldn’t make the cut – nevermind the a-list, the gold, the top quality titles that I’m, um, known for. (What?)

I fired off an email to Godd Till and Kim Jorn to see if we could do better and, well, the short answer is no.

But we haven’t posted in about 148 days, so here are our suggestions for what the Don Cherry bio pic should really be called. Or maybe it’s our bad joke list (it’s often hard to remember which is which).

10. The 7th Man
9. Grapier’s Wit
8. The Kook, the Coach, His Wife and Her Mother
7. Stuff Like That
6. La Corsi Vita
5. Cherry Poppin’
4. One Angry Man
3. Jesus de Kingston
2. Don of the Dread
1. The Unbearable Loudness of Being

The original plan was to put up a fresh page at least once a week but, let’s face it, the Leafs have been dreadful, we all have jobs, kids, academic careers – all of which seem to get in the way of creating great new content for this happening site.

The three of us were recently talking about this and lamenting how little free time we all seem to have these days. We all thought back to the early 90s when we had nothing but time to kill.

And then it hit us. We should go back into the Zambonic Youth Archives and re-post some of our greatest hits from nearly 20 years of emailing back and forth about hockey.

First up, our pre-draft chatter from June 21st, 1991…

June 21, 1991

743184,1324@compuserve.com – The NHL draft is tomorrow and Lindros says he won’t go to the Nordiques. Do you think the Nords will move the pick or do you figure they’ll gamble on Lindros?

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Gah. I can’t even bring myself to follow the draft. The Leafs were so bad this year, I stopped watching games in January. I can’t believe they won’t get to the podium until the 3rd round. You have to think they’ll never make that mistake again.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – I’m with Grian on this one. The Leafs were terrible and with each loss I had to wonder if New Jersey was going to get Lindros. Thank goodness the Leafs finished 20th. Lindros for Kurvers is like some sort of nightmare.

743184,1324@compuserve.com – I took to drinking heavily during Leaf games. Sometimes beer, sometimes whiskey and sometimes both. My buddies and I took to calling depth charges/boiler makers “Tom Watts.” I’m sure it’s a method that helped you guys cope too.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Well, I’m not quite of age yet, but I can’t wait until alcohol can be used as a soothing balm for all things Leafs.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – Uh, I’m only 10 years old. Sometimes I don’t get to stay up for the third period.

743184,1324@compuserve.com – Huh. Well. Um…10 years old, eh? I guess I’ll be shelving the Marion Berry and Fawn Hall jokes I had planned.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Anyone want to talk about something less depressing? I picked up Skid Row’s new album yesterday. Slave to the Grind. It’s pretty heavy.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – Hair metal survived Tipper Gore and warning labels, I think it’s safe to say that it’s here for the long run. I can’t see anything knocking it off it’s perch.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – Definitely. I heard Guns N’ Roses are releasing two albums on the same day this September. If they keep going at this rate they’ll release about 20 albums by the end of the decade. Impressive.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Yeah, I think it’s pretty obvious that Guns N’ Roses are going to go down as one of the most prolific rock bands of all time.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – To get back to the Leafs, it’s not all bad news. Kurvers was a pretty good Leaf and the team managed to trade him to Vancouver for Brian Bradley, who looks like a potential 50 goal scorer. And don’t forget we still have last year’s first round pick Drake Berehowsky and Luke Richardson. Those guys are going to be defensive pillars for this franchise for a long time. Plus all the young guys like Daniel Marios (21 goals and he’s only 22), John McIntyre, Scott Pearson and Scott Thornton.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Is Jason Denomme draft eligible? He was incredible in the Memorial Cup. He’d look good in the Blue and White. That guy has a bright future.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – I don’t think the Leafs need to worry about what Jersey does with the pick either. I read the sports section this morning and Damien Cox said it’s a one player draft: it begins and ends with Lindros. After that, the top five are Scott Lachance, Scott Niedermeyer, Aaron Ward and Pat Falloon.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – I saw Lindros play a few times this year when the Generals came to Ottawa. It was like watching a man playing against boys. If he does relent and play in Quebec, the Habs-Nords rivalry should heat back up and stay hot for a decade plus.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – I’ve been stocking up on my Lindros hockey cards. These things are going to be worth a mint some day.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – If Lindros sticks to his guns and refuses, what do you think happens? Where does Lindros end up?

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – If the papers are to be believed, there are a lot of offers on the table for him. The Kings are offering Luc Robitaille, Rob Blake and a truck full of cash; Minnesota is offering Mike Craig, the eighth pick over-all and a few million bucks; the Devils put Kirk Muller, the third and 11th picks over-all on the table and St. Louis is said to be dangling Brett Hull and Rod Brind’amour.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – Whatever Quebec does, they have to get it right. It’s not like they can trade Lindros twice.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – Pierre Page said it’s going to take about a week before anything happens. You have to think the Nords will want it settled before camp opens in September.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – This is my last comment on the Kurvers trade and then I will forever hold my piece: it was a Ballard era deal. Now that Ballard is dead and in the ground it’s a whole new era for the Leafs.

No more meddling owners.

No more short-term thinking.

No more cash box on Carlton.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – Ballard dying may be my happiest Leaf moment since Lanny scored in ’78 or when Maloney took them to game seven against the Blues in ’86.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – My happiest Leaf moment was when Alan Bester got first star after beating the North Stars 7-4 and then we got Baskin Robbins after. I don’t see it getting any better than that for a long time.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – I still can’t believe they traded Bester. And to the Red Wings of all teams. They have a great regular season and go nowhere in the playoffs. You have to think with that type of chronic failure, Bryan Murray isn’t long for the NHL.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – We may be only two weeks into the Cliff Fletcher era, but people are saying the Leafs should be competing for a cup within five years. Fletcher is already talking about bringing Sittler back as a club rep.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – I heard rumours that Fletcher might push to get beer sold in Maple Leaf Gardens. That’s going to be an uphill fight. At least Commissioner Zeigler couldn’t have been stronger in his praise of Fletcher. It’s too bad Stavros voted against hiring Fletcher, but after losing the vote 5 to 1 (with one abstention) it’s not like the numbers are in his Stavros’ favour.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – I liked what Damien Cox wrote about Fletcher: he’ll be dealing veterans for draft picks and looking to load up on big players up front. A great big pivot like Joel Otto (6’ 3”) would be great for the Leafs.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – I saw that piece too, Cox said the Leafs two biggest needs were an experienced goalie and a #1 centre. Can’t wait until that’s not the big need on this club.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – I hope Fletcher can use his connections with the Flames to bring some quality players to Toronto. Could you imagine how much Fleury’s veteran presence could help the Leafs?

74352,1314@compuserve.com – Or big Frank Musil. That guy is a tank. I’d be happy to grab Wamsley, he’d be the experienced netminder this team needs. I don’t think the Leafs have any goaltending in the system.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – I agree. That Potvin kid won the cup in the Q last year, but it’s not like the Quebec league has produced much goaltending.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – Who’s the next Leafs captain? I still can’t believe they lost Rob Ramage to Minnesota in the dispersal draft.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – You have to think Damphousse gets the C. He put up great numbers this year and he won the MVP at the All-Star game. Had a better game than Gretzky or Lemieux. Damphousse is going to be the face of the Leafs for years to come and he’s only going to get better. Time to stick the “C” on his chest.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – Speaking of the All Star game, I was relieved that McInnis didn’t break Al Iafrate’s hardest shot record.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – It’s nice to see Mr. Alphonse Q. Iafrate catch a break after all that awful stuff with the Leafs earlier this year.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – The trade to Washington?

74352,1314@compuserve.com – You’re only 10 right? Yeah, let’s go with the trade to Washington.

Kick.Rehoe@prodigy.com – OK. I have to go play Duck Hunt now.

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – I’m going to the mall to grab a cassingle of Van Halen’s Pound Cake.

74352,1314@compuserve.com – I gotta go to work and make some money. I can’t believe they upped my university tuition to $1200. On the bright side, just three months until training camp opens!

Grian.Blennie@GEnie.com – And three or four more years of a re-build until the Leafs challenge again.

Well, you’d think comedy reunions might have a better chance at success then the rock n’ roll variety. So much of rock music is about youth (the performers, sure, but mostly our youth reflected through them) and immediacy, two things that don’t really age well. Theoretically, comedy should be fine. But comedy often dates faster then milk in midsummer (check out a 1970s SNL sometime); and the enormous amount of effort developing material (ask a comic how much work goes into a ten-minute routine sometime) makes comedy even more a game for the young guns. Hell, rock n roll has Neil Young, Tom Waits, Levon Helm… have you seen a Robin Williams movie lately? Steve Martin? This is one reason I think so many comedy stars abandon standup and later abandon comedic roles – it’s not just more respect, it’s a helluva lot less work.

Moreover, the Kids in the Hall always had the energy of a rock n roll band, something Bruce McCulloch has alluded to in several interviews. The one time I was lucky enough to see them live, in Montreal a decade (Jesus!) ago, it was pretty much like seeing a kickass band put the crowd through it’s paces.

All of this is a rambling, overlong way of saying that when I watched Death Comes to Town last night, I was really excited. And I was pretty sure it was gonna suck. The good news first: unlike the zombies stumbling through “all-star jams” at the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, the guys who gave us “Reg”, “Screw You, Taxpayer”, and “Running Faggot” haven’t gotten all respectable on us. The show delighted in tipping sacred cows and firing howitzers at the stupid and venal. Unfortunately, it’s just not that funny. Not yet, anyways. The difficulty with an opening episode dealing with at least a dozen characters in a half-hour is that everything gets rushed, with no time for any situation to develop before zipping off to the next zany character. And it’s absurd situations, not zany characters (Chicken Lady, Gavin, and the Headcrusher excluded) that produced the Kids’ funniest work. It’s no coincidence that the bits that were specifically written to get their point across in 30 seconds (the Shuckton Olympic intro and the news team promo) were easily the sharpest. Hopefully, as the series develops, so will the characters, and so will the situations.

The bigger problem is that the writing was mediocre, often resorting to hackneyed gags about ignition locks and inappropriate making out that have been done to death. There were almost no memorable lines or exchanges, which is pretty disappointing coming from a troupe whose writing was always staggeringly accomplished. Again, pilots are often the weakest episode of a run, so I’m willing to wait and see; I still think the premise is tremendously promising. Hell, the show’s miles funnier than anything else on CBC, except maybe watching Garnet Exelby play defence.

(PS Stay tuned for a somewhat-special ZY KITH tribute post coming soon)

MF37: I woke this morning and Glenn Healy was on my radio.

Kim Jorn: Worst Sopranos episode ever.

Godd Till: What’s worse: a horse’s head in your bed or a horse’s ass on the radio?

MF37: It gets even worse than that: Healy was taking calls from the public.

I hate radio phone-in shows. At least 90% of calls are asinine. Anyone who calls a radio personality with an idea for a hockey trade should be forced to go on a cross country drive stuck in the bitch seat between Rosie DiManno and Michael Coren.

Godd Till: Or between Jim Hughson and Roberto Luongo…

MF37: Healy was using his air time to push the idea of renaming the NHL Trophies after former players who are synonymous with the type of play being rewarded.

I don’t mean to be the cranky old man, but I have a real problem with this.

The NHL has an amazingly rich history and rather than ignore it or raze it, I think the League should work harder to celebrate it.

If you’re going to rename trophies donated by or named after people outside of the game (Lady Byng, Art Ross, Lester B. Pearson) what’s to stop the Stanley Cup from becoming the Montreal Canadiens Cup? After all, they’ve won it 24 times and are the oldest franchise in the NHL.

Kim Jorn: Woah. Take a deep breath. Let’s not get crazy here. There have actually been some suggestions for the new trophy names:

Hart (most valuable player) — Gordie Howe.
Art Ross (most points) — Wayne Gretzky.
Calder (top rookie) — Mario Lemieux.
James Norris (top defenceman) — Bobby Orr.
Lady Byng (most gentlemanly player) — Jean Beliveau.
Jack Adams (coach of the year) — Scotty Bowman.

I’m usually a smash-the-state kinda guy, but this makes no sense to me.

Most of these old dead white guys actually deserve to have their names on these trophies.

If Healy succeeds here, I’m afraid it may be the start of a slippery slope. Tradition will mean nothing. Why not rename everything to reflect more current events and relevant people?

MF37: Are you thinking what I’m thinking: we name the NHL trophies after cast members on The Hills, Jersey Shore and The City?

I have the feeling Sean Avery would have a massive season.

KJ:That’s, uh, not quite what I had in mind.

Look, the Canadian Provinces have been using the same names for more than 100 years. Why not name them after the most important people and events that reflect their heritage?

It would be more confusing than the old CFL when Saskatchewan, Ontario and Quebec all change their names to Wendelopia.

Tillandjornistan is definitely an improvement on British Columbia though.

GT: Naming BC after us is like taking a Leafs legend and naming a terrible franchise with a crappy donut selection and awful, awful (real authentic lattes???) commercials after him.

MF37: I didn’t know a guy named Dunkin ever suited up for the Leafs.

GT: Ok, I understand you guys wanting to keep the history of the old trophies. Honouring the best defenceman in the league just wouldn’t be the same if it didn’t carry the hallowed name of legendary skinflint and union-buster Jim Norris, the guy who busted Ted Lindsay down to the last place team in the league for daring to talk about his rights.

Just as a good defencemen controls the game, he illegally controlled half the teams in the league, likely using two (CHI and NY) to grow cattle for one (Detroit, your cups are tainted!). Brings a tear to my eye.

KJ: Typical wingnuttery from the left coast, but feel free to set the bar way up there at the top of yer ivory tower.

MF37: If anyting, the NHL awards (and the Canadian provinces) will become corporately sponsored:
The Tim Horton’s Strawberry Sensation* (Norris)
The Disney Cup (replacing the Conn Smythe)
Aeroplan Points (Art Ross)
Osh-Kosh Rookie of the Year (Calder)

*Tim Horton’s has the right to change the name of the trophy annually to cross-promote their most recent food or drink special.

KJ: I can already picture Carey Price hoisting the Craven A Goalkeeper of the Year award over his head. People living in the province of Exxon Mobile will probably argue that Kiprusoff should have won it (or the province of Zig-zag Papers will throw down for Luongo).

MF37:One good thing that could come from Healy’s suggestion is the creation of new trophies for long-neglected categories.

For example, the League could recognize Healy’s, um, tremendous contribution to the game by introducing The Healy Cup a trophy for the back-up goalie on the Stanley Cup winning team.

GT: Since the Jack Adams is almost always given to a coach who’s receiving credit for a team’s sudden improvement, what about The Paul Maurice Award for the coach who’s had the least to do with his team’s success? This one doesn’t have to be given annually, maybe twice every nine years or so.

MF37: The Lester B. Pearson award goes to the most outstanding regular season performer, as voted by the players. I think the league should introduce a trophy for a player who consistently has a terrible regular season, yet somehow manages to stay in the league – perhaps the Andrew Raycroft Exploding Glove Award or the Patrik Stefan Trophy?

KJ: I’m not thrilled with the proposed new names for the existing trophies.

Changing the name of the Hart Trophy to the Gordie Howe seems like a bit of an insult to Wayne Gretzky.

Gretzky won it nine times, eight of them in a row. No one has dominated the MVP award in their sport like Gretzky, with the exception of Barry Bonds.

You simply have to name the Hart after the Great One.

I would also fully support naming the baseball MVP award after Bonds.

MF37: I always like the name of the Hart trophy as it’s a homonym with “Heart” but I may be alone in that. The Hart Trophy should be renamed the Gretzky.

GT: The Hart Trophy as the Gretzky is a no-brainer.

Also a no-brainer? Renaming the Art Ross.

I’m picturing a guy who scored a lot of goals. More than anyone. But also, someone with the vision to rack up a lot of assists too. A great all around offensive talent.

The easiest way to do this would be to give it to either the person who lead the league in scoring most often, or the all-time leading point getter.

Anyone wanna go over to Hockey Reference and figure this one out?

That’s right, The Wayne Gretzky Award.

The guy holds the records for all-time goals, assists and points. He won the trophy Ten Times. Jaromir Jagr and Lemieux each won six. It’s not even close.

MF37: What about the Jaromir Lemieux or Mario Jagr Trophy? They combined to win it twelve times…yeah, that’s not going to work is it.

I think Gretzky is not only the safe choice, it’s the right choice.

KJ: The Lady Byng is the one that most people would like to see re-named, I don’t think it’s a trophy that many NHLers even want to win.

GT: Don’t want to win? What is this, a late-season Islanders Lightning game?

KJ: It’s crazy that the leading contender for a renamed Lady Byng is the Jean Beliveau award.

Jean Beliveau never once won that trophy during his career. Unless, of course, the Lady Byng is now a lifetime achievement award for not going into the corners.

You know who won this trophy a record five times? That’s right, Wayne Gretzky.

I say the Lady Byng gets renamed the Wayne Gretzky Trophy.

MF37: Gretzky won it more than any other player, he’s apparently a gentleman, I can’t see a downside here. Lady Byng Memorial is now the Gretzky.

Next up, the Calder Trophy.

Why is the NHL’s best rookie given a trophy named after an American artist who made his name in France and is famous for creating the mobile? Makes no sense, it’s clearly time for a change.

GT: This is the first trophy we’ve discussed today that Wayne Gretzky never won.

KJ: But he should have won it. Scored over 130 points in his rookie year but was somehow ruled ineligible. The league gave it to Ray Borque instead.

MF37: And about 18 years later, Borque would inexplicably win out over Gretzky again. Taking the shootout for Canada at Nagano while Gretzky sat on the bench.

I think we need to right both of these wrongs.

KJ: Agreed.

It’s always bugged me that the NHL changed the rules on this one to make Gretzky ineligible, yet Makarov won it as a fat 31 year old who’d played decades of “professional” hockey in Russia.

GT: Thirty years later, the NHL needs to step-up and fix this and the best way they can do that is by re-naming the Calder trophy the Wayne Gretzky.

MF37: From rookies to coaches…Jack Adams was a player, a GM and a coach. He won the Cup three times with the Detroit Red Wings but was barely .500 behind the bench.

If you’re going to give out a trophy for coaching, I think there are better names out there.

KJ: They’ve proposed the Scott Bowman

GT: This is hockey, shouldn’t it be the Scotty Bowman?

MF37: There are a host of great coaches this one could be named after. Quite a few coaches have won it more than once.

KJ: You know how Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize as a symbol of encouragement to achieve great things?

MF37: I thought Obama won it for skipping church and hosting a super bowl party.

KJ: Naming the Jack Adams after Gretzky is just the kind of push the Great One’s promising coaching career not only needs, but it’s also something it deserves.

The Jack Adams should be The Gretzky.

MF37: Well, Mark Messier clearly agrees with you. It looks like he’ll name Gretzky the coach of Canada’s World Championship Team.

KJ: In a nod to the Moose, maybe the Wayne Gretzky Coaching trophy could feature a small vial filled with Messier’s tears?

GT: Ok, coaching trophy is the Gretzky. What about the Conn Smythe?

It’s richly ironic that the trophy for playoff MVP is so Toronto Maple Leafs centric. Plenty of people could argue that it’s time for a change.

MF37: The Conn Smythe trophy is a replica of Maple Leaf Gardens. Loblaw is turning the old shrine into a grocery store. Either Bettman is going to pull a Gaelen Weston and put on his best argyle Christmas sweater to award it (or start selling frozen hors’ dourves out of the trophy base) or else this trophy needs an update too.

GT: Don Cherry would like you all to know that the Conn Smythe has been won by a good Canadian boy 31 out of the 34 times it’s been awarded.

And when I think of playoff success, I think of players who made their team better – because the playoffs are all about winning as a team. Did anyone make their teammates better than Wayne Gretzky?

MF37: Patrick Roy? He’s won the Conn Smythe more than anyone.

GT: Roy? Don Cherry said “Good Canadian boys.”

KJ: I was going to go with Gretzky.

MF37: Agreed. Gretzky is the obvious choice over Roy: Gretzky has never (allegedly) beaten his wife, even when she was (allegedly) making book on the NHL, and as far as I know none of his kids have faced assault charges (yet).

GT: I wonder what Kerry Fraser would have to say about this…

KJ: He likely would be blocked out on the argument and wouldn’t see our point, but the Playoff MVP is the Wayne Gretzky Trophy.

GT: I guess that just leaves the Norris.

MF37: James Mirtle has proposed splitting this award – one for the best defensive defenceman and one for the best offensive defencemen. The NHL has missed the subtlety and has traditionally just awarded the Norris to a d-man who puts up a lot of points.

To that end, they’ve proposed re-naming it after Bobby Orr. He was a fantastic d-man who revolutionized the game, but he didn’t generate anywhere near the offence that Gretzky did.

GT: I can think of no logical flaw in this argument whatsoever. The Norris is the Gretzky?

KJ: Agreed.

GT: Let’s review:

Hart (most valuable player) — The Wayne Gretzky Trophy
Art Ross (most points) — The Wayne Gretzky Cup
Calder (top rookie) — The Wayne Gretzky Award
James Norris (top defenceman) — The Wayne Douglas Gretzky Trophy
Lady Byng (most gentlemanly player) — W.D. Gretzky Award
Jack Adams (coach of the year) — Wayne D. Gretzky Trophy

MF37: I like how there’s no repetition in that list. Surprising really.

GT: People will only have to deal with this for 20 years or so. Then we can change all the award names to Kadri.

KJ: Or whomever Boston drafts with the Leafs first round pick in 2011 or ‘12.

So they called in Mike Milbury.

Milbury’s Don Cherry-lite shtick is tiresome enough among the other tired blowhards on the Satellite Fartcave (the only media outlet ever to fire Al Strachan and get worse), where his belligerence only underlines that deep down, he knows how laughable the spectacle of the worst general manager of the last twenty years, in any sport (2 Isiah, 3 Millen), parsing out his tidbits of ‘insight’ really is. But in the booth, coming up with nuggets of wisdom on the fly? This was Rascal Flatts bad. The Room bad. Listening to his laughable defence of Blake Wheeler’s attempted paralysis of Ian White, I had a thought in my mind that shocked me – ‘I really wish Pierre McGuire was calling this game.’

Ridiculous, right? Pierre McGuire, the universally loathed ‘McSplooge’ of internet rage. When I told Bitter the name of this post, he just replied ‘wow.’ Kim Jorn launched into a string of expletives, and demanded I point out that Pierre ‘is a sitting next to Beetlejuice in the waiting room looking motherfucker’ with a head too small for his body.

I get all that. But I find, despite his many irritating tics, that I generally really enjoy Pierre’s work calling the games. Sure, his fawning over young players is pretty embarrassing. But he does it because he genuinely loves hockey and he’s excited to see new players make their mark. That excitement sure as hell beats Simpson, who sounds more bored than a tranquilized cat listening to Radiohead. And he also gives genuine insight. He may not have been a great coach, but he still has a coach’s eye for the telling detail and an unwillingness to fall back on lazy cliches.

One example: when I was watching the Habs get embarrassed by Toronto last week, he showed Scott Gomez break in for a good chance, only to be denied. Instead of saying the usual drivel about how the puck just wasn’t going in for Gomez right now, he just needs to keep putting it on net, etc. Instead, McGuire brought back the replay and excoriated Gomez for not following the rebound to the net, instead taking the easy way out and drifting into the corner. I know it’s a little thing, but this attention to the details of what’s actually happening on the ice – not petty moralizing or talking points about ‘what this means to the season’ – is the hallmark of Pierre’s work. I know that I learn something more often then not when he’s calling the game. And when I saw Montreal’s win against Boston later that week, I saw Butt End Plekanec shoot from a similar possession, follow his rebound directly to the net, and pop in a goal. The last thing I learned from watching Hughson or Simpson is how expensive it is to hire hitmen in the GTA.

MF37: Hey guys, I just want to apologize for not posting much over here at Zambonic Youth. As both of you know, I’ve been really busy working on a screen play. It’s a feature length film based on the Eagles’ Witchy Woman.

Kim Jorn: I assumed you were traveling the world like Indiana Jones – fighting Nazis and caricatures of Indian people in a quest for the greatest prize of all: good jokes for part four of the Zambonic Youth Season Preview.

Godd Till: Part Four of the preview? Seems a little hasty for that. You can’t rush perfection.

MF37: Speaking of rushing perfection, for a day or two it looked like the Leafs rebuild/restructuring/renovation/nightmare might get a bit of a bump thanks to a deal with Chicago.

The Hawks were supposedly looking to move Sopel to free up his $2.33M cap hit. They’re not trading any of the core or their really talented kids. It’s a salary dump – pure and simple. The obvious two questions are:
1. What’s it going to take to get a deal with Chicago done (CHI needs an expiring contract) and;
2. How big a pick is going to come along with Sopel?

This always generates one of my favourite responses (and by “favourite” I really mean “habits I despise”) when fans talk the impossible trade.

How is it a pick and Sopel for an expiring contract (or any such realistic deal) always devolves into a variation of: “I’d rather have Kane/ Sharp/ Toews, Versteeg/ Barker/ Seabrook.”

Who wouldn’t? They’re not on the table. Sopel is. Let’s stick to the deal at hand.

KJ: I see that dog-eared copy of The Wit and Wisdom of Donald Rumsfeld I lent you has been put to good use. You go into a trade with the players you have, not the players you want.

Speaking of which, I’d trade Steen and/or Carlo Colaiacovo for Sopel and a pick.

GT: It makes sense that the Sopel deal is dead. Burke shouldn’t have taken anything less than a second for taking on that pylon. I don’t get why CHI doesn’t just stick him in the A. Wait, that didn’t come out right.

KJ: I don’t think other teams have the same willingness as Toronto (supposedly) to sink costs in the AHL.

I had a similar discussion with another Leafs fan the other day about trading for Sopel and putting him on the Marlies. It doesn’t seem right to me. I’m really uncomfortable with the idea of punishing a guy for no reason other than the fact that a GM gave him too much money. I mean, that is pretty much the end of Sopel’s career.

It sucked when the Devils did it to Mogilny, and it might even seem unfair when the Leafs do it to Blake. I realize these guys can find consolation by rolling around like a grad student in their giant pile of filthy lucre, but it ain’t right. Just another reason we can all be thankful for the lockout and missing a year of hockey and the salary cap. You’re the best, Gary!

MF37: Here’s another recent trend that makes me want to eat red hot liquefied hockey pucks: all the Leaf content pondering which centre should play with Kessel. The Leafs have three options and none of them are any good.

I’m also misanthropic over all the big brains stating Kessel needs more support.

No shit.

What’s next? “In Hockey, team with higher score wins” or “Talent+Hard Work = Wins” or maybe “Don Cherry Says the Craziest Things”

KJ: *shakes head sadly* Hockey is not a goal-scoring competition.

GT: What about trying Kessel at Centre? He’s played there before, and it could give defences some matchup problems with the way he plays. He can clearly pass. A line of Poni, Kessel, and Hagman could score some goals I think.

MF37: Bring on 1,000 monkeys at 1,000 laptops, posting 1,000 blog entries about who Kessel’s wingers should be…

What if 15 years from now we’re all debating whether Kessel goes into the hall of fame and the argument hinges on the fact that Kessel never had a premiere centre to play with during his time in Toronto? It’s like Sundin redux.

KJ: What if, in 15 years, we’re talking about how a cranky old white haired guy – with a heart of gold reportedly lurking beneath that gruff exterior – doomed the Leafs to a full decade of ridicule and embarrassment?

GT: It’s more white-blond hair. We’re talking about Jason Blake, right?

MF37: I was thinking we should add a weekly metric to our roundtable for how low we feel as Leaf fans. Maybe base it on fathoms or some other measure of depth (or conversely, buoyancy).

I guess I’ll ask it another way, what are we watching instead of Leafs hockey?

KJ: I watched Star Wars a few nights ago for the first time in a long time. The only way I could be guaranteed to see the good guys win for once.

GT: Oooh, that’s a good idea. I’m gonna go watch Savage v. Flair at Wrestlemania VIII.

KJ: I keep having this dream in which Burke forgot to announce that the picks he traded for Kessel are lottery protected. Then I wake up with excruciating pain in my back and a cat sitting on my head and real life comes crashing back down on me.

MF37: The Leafs made me want to watch one my favourite movies: Cool Hand Luke. The good guy valiantly struggles, can’t make it in the system and gets killed in the end.

GT: I bet Luke Schenn could eat 50 hard boiled eggs. Might explain his play this season.

MF37: Back to Star Wars: are Burke’s Leafs like the second round of Star Wars movies? We expected a thrill ride and instead got too much expository dialogue, poor performances and are left looking back at what was, what could have been?

KJ: Perfect! Vesa Toskala as Jar-Jar and Jason Blake as that blonde kid who starts out nice enough (but annoying) and turns out to be the most evil person in the universe.

What were we talking about again? A shame metric?

How’s this: I watched the Carolina game instead of Empire Strikes Back because I was late getting home from work. Two brutal calls went against the Leafs that essentially cost them the game (you know, in addition to blowing a three goal lead, taking stupid penalties, and the Monster making me long for the good ol’ Raycroft days).

My blood pressure and voice never rose. The remote control remained in my hand, rather than in pieces on the floor. I chuckled instead of yelling. I kinda felt like the Leafs deserved what they got. I think that is a pretty good summary of how I feel as a Leafs fan right now.

GT: And I didn’t even watch. That sums it up for me.

MF37: Is anyone else tired of the Leafs’ so-called moral victories? What’s so moral about being a talentless hockey club and losing a lot of games by one goal?

Unlike Thierry Henry, the teams the Leafs are playing aren’t cheating to win. Leafs have suffered bad calls in, what, three of their 18 losses this year? (Game 2 vs. Sens; a no goal call against Chicago; and that weird double-minor in Carolina).

KJ: Even if the Leafs win those three games, their record is still 7-18 (I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize overtime losses).

It isn’t like the one game playoff in the AL Central this year, when the missed hit-batter call on Brandon Inge clearly cost the Tigers the game, the Central pennant, and ultimately a chance at the World Series.

Those kind of blown calls are the ones that really twist the dagger in your gut, the kind that take months or years to get over.

In a world where terrible, brutal, heartbreaking injustices like that occur, it’s pretty hard to get worked up about calls that go against this year’s Leafs team.

As for moral victories…does firing 58 shots into the chest of Dwayne Roloson in a losing effort count as a moral victory? Honest to god, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I would rather the Leafs play the trap.

Back in the day when Quinn was running and gunning and the Senators were just running…well I always said that I would rather the Leafs lose 6-5 than win 1-0 while playing the left-wing lock. I was wrong.

GT: I don’t care what style they play, I just wish we were watchable again.

One of the reasons last year was relatively painless for me as a fan (besides having our 1st round draft pick) was that I knew things would get better. Besides Kessel, it seems like every single player has regressed this season. Mind-blowing.

KJ: This season was supposed to be like an awesome bash. If anything, we can take a lesson from Dazed and Confused: When the beer delivery guy turns up early and your parents are still home and you have to cancel the kegger because mom and dad decide not to go away for the weekend, there’s always a beer bash at the moon tower. Phil Kessel is our moon tower.

MF37: That’s what I hate about the Toronto Maple Leafs, man, I get older and they still lose just the same.

What’s the most painful part of this horrible Leafs season?

Having a ‘92 Sharks-level forward group?

Jason Blake actually getting worse?

ToskaLOL?

Wondering, after 101 games, what the hell Wilson is teaching them?

That I can’t enjoy our one elite player without thinking ‘TAYLORHALLTAYLORHALL’ whenever he touches the puck?

3 wins in 19 games?

I’m actually pretty sure it’s this shit.

What the fuck? SERIOUSLY WHAT IN THE BLUE HELL IS THIS?

Take it away, Joe ‘Fluffer of the 416′ Warmington:

The Celtic guitar riffs, the haunting bagpipes and the beat of the bodhran war drums set the tone perfectly!

It caught my ear right away. Catchy and powerful. I loved it right away

Seriously, Joe Warmington is the hackiest damn hack who ever charged a round of whisky sodas (seriously, go reread that a couple times, you picture soldiers inflating like Violet Beauregarde as they charge an embankment). I bet Garth Drabinsky, Tie Domi, and Rick & Marilyn could all line up to deuce in his mouth and he’d write it up like it was a free day at Canada’s Wonderland.

This song kills small woodland creatures if you play it to them. It’s more offensive than Jason Blake’s finishing. It speaks to the absolute worst stereotypes of delusion applied to Leaf fans. IT’S THE DUDE FROM GLASS TIGER. Even Helix would have done a way better job. It’s like a Leafs Nation branded version of ‘Kokomo’. When I die and go to hell for shoplifting Nintendo cards from Becker’s when I was 8 I will spend eternity watching Jason Blake shoot into a ‘CH’ and Bryan McCabe turn it over at the blue line with this damn song on a constant loop. This song is more evil than the love child of Hitler and Daniel Alfredsson, even if that love child spent 20-hours a day learning music from Michael Bolton and David Foster, with occasional puppy-eating breaks. It’s worse than ALF porn.

Have a great week everyone!

Wilson might get the play of the week for his Patrick Kane joke.

I’m surprised, shocked actually, that Howard Berger or one of his ilk didn’t pull a “dressing room wall bit.” Or maybe that only happens when there’s an expectation that the game isn’t an automatic 2 point night for whomever the Leafs are playing.

Good Till: The postgame reaction after CHI seemed to be relief that we didn’t lose by 5, which says all too much about the direction the two organizations have gone in since the lockout. That said, I have watched the YouTube clip of Kessel’s second goal about 9300 times, so that’s been nice. DING!

Did you happen to listen to that idiot Doug MacLean this week? He was mocking the idea of the NHL moving to 3 points for a win. He then said that he can’t begin to understand how the points system works in MLS. This man ran an NHL team.
 
MF37: In MacLean’s defence, math is hard. Besides, what NHL executive would want to mess with the points standings that served the league so well for 75 years?
 
Kim Jorn: For the love of Godd, can no one in the media provide the fans with any context?
 
The NHL transitioned to the one point for an OT loss system because OT was fucking boring. Both teams were shutting it down and hoping for the single point – because they were happy with a tie.
 
There are millions of idiots railing about the current system on every talk radio station, message board and fast food line-up with absolutely no understanding of the historical context.
 
For the last time you dullards: the NHL did not implement this system becuase they didn`t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, or because of some commie belief that everyone should get points, they did it to put some sizzle back into the game.
 
You may not like the current system, but there is a reason why it exists, and it actually has worked.

MF37: Wow. Didn’t see that coming.
 
I didn’t hear MacLean’s latest gaffe, but you know he’s never alone in the idiot-analysis game. The day of Kessel’s debut, I heard Mike Brophy pan the Kessel deal on the grounds that Kessel didn’t make The Hockey News’ Top 50 players list.
 
Apparentlly the price for a 21 year old 35 goal scorer is set by the editorial board of a bad hockey trade pub run out of Transcontinental Media, not by rival GMs. Either that or Burke, like most of the general public interested in hockey, has let his subscription to THN lapse.

Godd Till: I’m wondering if there’s anything the Leafs can do to turn things around. Maybe Burke could aggressively try and recoup one of the first-rounders by dealing Kaberle.
 
Working Class Howard reminded me of why we stopped writing Cox Bloc, intimating that Burke had “most of the summer to work a trade for the Czech-born player, but held onto him on the basis of Kaberle’s perceived value to the team. At 1-7-4, the value of any player is questionable.”
 
MF37: If I were Howard’s supervisor that’s how I’d start every single one of Berger’s employee reviews: “His value is questionable.”
 
I don’t know that trading Kaberle is the answer. This team needs so many positions filled: 2/3 of a first line, a solid goalie and if Burke trades Kaberle, they need to acquire a puck moving D that can log 20 minutes a night. There sure are plenty of those guys around…
 
Despite all this, I still tune in.
 
Albeit after Saturday’s home loss to Calgary, most of my anger was directed at Hughson and Simpson. Their inane chatter was making me plot their murder.

I swear if the CBC offered up a digital channel of just game sounds and no play by play or colour commentary there would only be six people watching the regular feed, five of whom would be related to Hughson and Simpson. The sixth would of course be Roberto Luongo (lovingly clutching an autographed 8×10′ of autograph of Hughson).

Sadly, I dream of the day Jim Hughson is put out to pasture and has to make a living doing voiceovers for a discount store in Kamloops (“Come on down to Surplus Herbie’s, home of Grrrrrrreeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaat Savings!”)

Godd Till: I ALWAYS want to murder those two, although I actually thought they were a little better than usual.

It was a really weird game.

I have no idea what to think right now about where the team’s going. At least Kessel looks like a really good player.
 
MF37: The Leafs remind me of the 2006-07 Flyers. That team was in most games, had a great coach and, on paper, had enough talent to win but ended up with something awful like 54 points.
 
I think it’s going to be a horribly long season of .400 hockey if we’re lucky and likely .300 hockey the rest of the way.
 
Godd Till: Does that make Beauchemin Derian Hatcher?
 
I think the blame lies with the forward group – the bottom 6 aren’t fast enough, good enough defensively, and they don’t hit enough. Just vanilla. And the top 6 is brutal too, DGB was so right about Kessel vis-a-vis the rest of the Leaf forward lines.

Do you think Wilson’s good enough? It seems the same problems recur over and over again…
 
MF37: I don’t know what to make of Wilson. With Paul Maurice, it was so easy to look at shift charts and see where he was getting completely outcoached. I’ve looked at who Wilson is running and it makes sense to me.

Good goaltending covers over so much. It was fascinating that the “has the room tuned him out” chatter died as soon as Gustavsson won a game or two.

This team is so disgustingly thin up front that I’m not sure what Wilson’s options are.

When Grabbo, Stajan, Mitchell, Wallin and Primeau are your five options, you’re pretty much pooched. If a guy like Crosby or Iginla is going to play 22 minutes a game, who the hell in that bunch can be paired up against players of that calibre and be expected to have any success?

I do not like Wilson’s decision to put Schenn on the left side (I think that’s why he got his stick lifted so easily in Chicago. Had he been playing the right side, the puck is away from the net and protected by his body). I also don’t like Schenn getting paired with Exelby. But if you’re only going to give him 12 minutes a night, I’m not sure who else you pair him with.
 
Good Till: I think there’s some merit in Shoalts or Mirtle (can’t remember who) saying that the reason the Leafs are coming out flat in the first and getting outscored is simply because the other teams are better. The Leafs come back in games because the opponents are playing to protect a lead. So again, the problem isn’t preparation, it’s talent.

Re: Schenn, I think Gunnarsson is a great idea as a partner for him – someone who will help him keep his game simple. You’re right about switching Luke’s side being puzzling and the Exelby pairing; one thing that’s bothered me is pairing a still developing 20-year old with the worst positional defenceman on the team. 

I was talking to Kim and he echoes the point about the forward group.

I think Burke’s biggest mistake was to significantly overestimate the talent level there. Maybe the Kessel trade doesn’t get made if he makes the right evaluation there. That said, I am still think it will turn out to be a good move for the Leafs. I grant what you say about the team not having the surplus of picks and prospects to make the trade ideal; however, I agree with the Globe’s Jeff Blair that the Leafs desperately need a young franchise type forward, and Kessel has certainly been that so far.

If you’re Burke, where do you go from here?

I think step one is to try to move some guys for picks, step two is trying to get guys like Tlusty, Hanson, Stalberg into the mix. And do we go hard after another couple top-six guys in free agency? I say yes, because right now I see rushing Kadri is a real danger, and I think that’s a terrifyingly bad idea.

MF37: I have an awful feeling “Home of the Terrifyingly Bad Ideas” is going to be the official slogan of the 2010-11 Toronto Maple Leafs.

Toronto Maple Leafs
v. Minnesota Wild

November 10, 2009

3.2

_____________________________________________________________________________

While this distinctly inconsequential era of sporting endeavour can send even the most abated abettors of the local athletics clubs into futile fits of fist-curled fury, recent cycles of the Gregorian Calendar have installed a stratum of inertia into the most monomaniacal of attendees at Toronto’s shinny emporium. For, while scrutinizing a tired cliché like the Toronto Maple Leafs can provide endless fodder for the simple conscious mind, there is a nagging voice that can’t even be drowned out by the latest nattering of the online indie-hock intelligentsia – we’ve seen this all before.

For the hometown audience, the sole highlight of last night’s desultory display of physical exertion was incontestably Phil Kessel’s first acceptable marker in his brand new blue and white uniform. Breaking through the wall of offensive incompetence that has bedevilled the world’s most famous hockey operation for more than half a decade, the young American finally displayed a glimpse of potential that comes close to matching the bulky supernova of hype that has followed this blossoming star since his earliest days.

However, for those of us who have been closely tracking the career of Toronto’s latest big-new-thing, last night’s virtuosity was nothing of the cutting-edge variety. I myself saw the fledgling phenom perform similar manoeuvres on a diminutive frozen lagoon outside of Madison, Wisconsin nearly 20 years ago. That initial wave of euphoria has, of course, been replaced by the sour tang of reflexive familiarity. Ho-hum.

The balance of the match was a seemingly endless interpretation of what this glorious sport can and should aspire to, if its participants were not so concerned with affecting the latest postures of on-ice cool. It was impossible for this studied observer to shake the feeling that both the local club and the touring out-of-towners from the US Midwest were simply going through the motions. For those of us who have witnessed first-hand the gut-punching excitement of Progym Hargita Gyöngye taking on Sport Club Miercurea Ciuc II in a tiny Romanian rink, last night’s affair left every single thing to be desired.

So here we are, more than 12 months after Barack Obama swept to power with empty promises of hope and change, and the world remains embedded in the same lazy banalities, clinging ever so tightly to the transparent indignities of a civilization that long ago lost all control. But – with last night’s performance serving as only the latest piece of damning evidence – we can rest assured that as we hurtle headlong towards the crushing singularity that awaits us all, the Leafs will always and forever continue to shit the bed on Tuesday night’s at home. The piquancy of disappointment is becoming progressively more unpalatable.

Chelios turns up ice to pursue Cyclone Taylor

Chris Chelios was drafted 40th overall, in 1981, behind players like Tony Tanti, Claude Loiselle, Ron Francis, Garth Butcher, and Joe Cirella. Chelios is older than all of those guys. The year he was drafted, the third overall pick was Bob Carpenter, who may have not reached the heights expected of a top-3 pick, but who nonetheless managed to play eighteen seasons in the NHL, once scoring 5o goals. In the decade since his retirement, Carpenter has been an AHL head coach and an NHL assistant. Chris Chelios is older than Bob Carpenter.

While playing for the Red Wings, Chelios has had some playoff battles with another future Hall of Famer, the Ducks’ Scott Niedermayer. Of course Chelios is older than Niedermayer – more than eleven years older, even though Niedermayer has been around forever. Niedermayer could have been a Leaf, as we are forever reminded, but was selected with a draft pick the Devils acquired from the Leafs for Tom Kurvers in that disastrous 1990 deal. Chris Chelios is older than Tom Kurvers.

The other disastrous Leafs trade of that era was Russ Courtnall being shipped to Montreal for enforcer John Kordic. Kordic died fighting the Quebec City police in 1992. Courtnall went on to a long and successful career as a decent second line burner who could score some goals, almost 300 in fact. Courtnall left the NHL ten years ago, after a fifteen season career. His best season was 92-93, when he scored 36 goals for a Minnesota North Stars team backstopped by Jon Casey. Jon Casey would later end up a St. Louis Blue. His last season was 1996-97, on a Blues team that featured Brett Hull, Pierre Turgeon, Jim Campbell, Geoff Courtnall, and Al McInnis as their top five scorers. Also on that Blues team, making his last appearance in the league, was a 32-year-old Gary Leeman. Leeman, a key figure in the best Leafs trade of the era, played just two games that season, notching a lonely assist. He would then play two seasons with the Hannover Scorpions in the German League before retiring, his last recorded action 10 games in 1998-99. Chris Chelios is older than every person in this paragraph.

Chris Chelios played in Switzerland during the 1994-95 lockout that erased half a season. He was an 11-year veteran at the time. Chris Chelios is older than Ken Wregget, Roberto Romano, Tom Barrasso, and Bill Ranford. He’s older than Cam Neely. He’s older than Tom Fergus, Miro Inachak, Bob Errey, and Bernie Nicholls. He’s older than Greg Gilbert, Jim Paek (the first Korean player), Jim Kyte, (the hearing-impaired player), and Jim Johnson. He’s older than Dave Ellett and Dale Hawerchuk, Pat LaFontaine and Pat Flatley. He’s older than Dave Reid, older than Scott Arniel, older than Lyndon Byers, older than Pokey AND the Bandit. Remember Zarley Zalapski? Chris Chelios is six years older than him.

How old is Chris Chelios, children? Well, he’s old enough to remember the last time we posted something here.